Maybe a Little Fascism is Just What the League Needs – It's the Half Right, not Half Left Hockey League afterall

Let’s be honest: our Fantasy Hockey league is falling apart. Chaos reigns supreme, and it’s time we face the cold, hard truth—democracy just doesn’t work. The endless bickering, rule breaking, and committee decisions are suffocating the very spirit of competition. We’re drowning in bureaucracy, with more arguments about scoring formats than actual games.

But there is a solution, my friends: fascism.

Before you throw me out of the Messenger group, let’s take a trip down history lane. Fascism, when implemented just right, provided one undeniable benefit—efficiency. Look at Mussolini: he made the trains run on time. Now, I’m not saying we need to invade our rival leagues, but there’s something to be said for centralized power and decision-making. Imagine our Fantasy Hockey league running with the same precision and swift action. No more bickering over whether to add another IR spot—one decision, made quickly, and that’s that. Mussolini would be proud.

Speaking of which, think back to Franco’s Spain. I’m sure some of you are still smarting from a bad trade or a low waiver priority, but you know what Franco didn’t tolerate? Dissent. He ran his operation like a well-oiled machine. I’m not suggesting we silence everyone in the group chat (well, maybe just temporarily during the trade deadline), but wouldn’t it be nice if there was one, clear voice of reason at the top? And if you’re thinking that fantasy fascism sounds harsh, let me remind you what happens when you let every voice be heard: it’s called communism. And I don't aim to be the, “communissioner”.

Look at Stalin. Sure, he was technically a “leader of the people,” but in reality, he was just another actual commissioner—except his five-year plans were all about food shortages and brutal purges, while mine are just about ensuring we don’t waste another offseason debating the value of goalies. The tyranny of indecision will destroy us from within. Just like in a true communist system, where everyone pretends to have a say but nothing really gets done, the constant voting and discussing in our league isn’t leading to freedom—it’s leading to paralysis.

No, my friends, what we need is a strong, decisive leader. Someone who can take action swiftly and with purpose, cutting through the noise and ensuring the league runs like a finely-tuned operation. And who better to take on this noble task than your beloved commissioner? Just like Mussolini, I’ll make our Fantasy Hockey trains run on time—except instead of trains, it’ll be waiver deadlines. Instead of factories, we’ll have efficiently managed lineups. No more weeks of committee meetings over rule changes—just clear, decisive action.

Now, I can already hear the cries of “tyranny!” or “power grab!” But let me ask you this: do you actually enjoy the annual league meeting where we debate whether to switch from PIMs to FW, or are you just there for the Palmyra kebab? Democracy, my friends, sounds nice in theory, but in practice, it’s chaos. Under fascism (fantasy fascism, to be clear), you’ll know where you stand—under me, your commissioner. And let’s be honest: you’ll love it.

In this brave new world, your job is simple. Manage your roster, make your trades, and let me handle the rest. I’ll keep things running smoothly, efficiently, and fairly (for the most part). You won’t have to worry about endless back-and-forth over petty disputes, or whether that trade veto was a conspiracy against you. I’ll be the ultimate arbiter, ensuring justice is swift and fair—just like the fascists of old, but without all the, you know, actual atrocities.

So, to my fellow managers: let’s embrace the future of Fantasy Hockey governance. No more wasting time on votes that go nowhere. No more fractured leadership and competing agendas. Just one voice—mine—guiding us into a more efficient, effective, and—dare I say—glorious future.

Now everyone after me "All hail commissioner Viken"

Let’s make Fantasy Hockey great again—one fascist decision at a time.